Don’t rush.

The wind is up, the clouds are grey. There’s rain on the horizon and there are no matatus coming your way. You’re in a rush.

It began when you were 7 and wanted desperately to master the art of tying your shoe laces. You had a system for it, a rhythm you followed every time and 13 years later that hasn’t changed.

When you were 10 you thought you’d fallen in love. You remember little about her save that she had a wide smile – it’s always the smile, watch for the smile – and was so clever you asked everyday to help you with your math homework. Her name was Gloria, you don’t talk anymore – haven’t in years.

At 12 you switched schools and the first thing you noticed was the cold. It bit or maybe it didn’t but there’s no other way to put it, you felt bit and so it became the cold that bit. You never quite adjusted, always in the library with your nose stuck in one book or the other. Half the time you were avoiding catching people’s eyes and the other you were looking through others’ eyes. You’d go off into worlds hitherto unexplored. Remember the time you hid and read Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince underneath your desk? Why did you want to finish it so fast? I mean yeah it was really good but why the rush?

People actually cared and still do you know. Yep, it’s been a long time and you’ve only just begun to realize it. Yes of course you were the nerd and annoying. That doesn’t mean you weren’t thought of as a friend. You just didn’t stop for long enough to consider it. Do you realize now that it’s not that you can’t remember those days but that you don’t want to? You were always running away from something. It’s not a philosophical point, just the truth. The details are sketchy but it had something to do with not fully accepting that you were different. Everyone was different bro, but you never really got around to realizing it because you lived inside your head – you still do.

Red and blue didn’t suit you, at first anyway. I mean yes your sense of fashion had always been bad so you couldn’t complain but complain you did. One time it was the food, another the people and yet another time it was the complexity of what you had to study. Apparently it was incomprehensible, the sciences eluded you because you didn’t care to actually look them in the eye and take them as they were. You romanticized intelligence, made it seem like it was innate and required no work. That was always a thing with you, romance. We’ll get back to it, we’re always talking romance btw. It’s your thing, that and cool books and movies. Stories in general.

This was a stage in your life when puberty hit with abandon. You grew taller, a tad slimmer – oh alright, a lot slimmer- you were skin and bones to hear your mother tell it. There was little about life that you understood and even less that you knew. As had been the case for a long while, it was always about fantasies and dreams with you. Off in a make believe world, reality would hurt more than ever. The fall from cloud nine always hurt so so bad but you were always in a rush to finish things. To be done. With people, with high school, your family – now you ran towards something. Definitely better than running away, you’d found a shred of purpose.

You watched your contemporaries grasp life by the neck and shake it for all it was worth whilst you took a back seat and reveled in their successes. Deep down you wanted to succeed but you still hadn’t fallen far enough to realize you were meant to be climbing. That that’s what life was, is and always will be; a climb. That sometimes the hand and footholds won’t be visible and you’ll stumble but if you hold on for long enough you’ll find a crevice deep enough to fit your fingers into. You’ll pull your own weight. There’s no such thing as the top. There’s definitely success, but no there’s no top. You’ve got to the top my friend and you’ve seen for yourself, just like someone who’s probably famous and dead said, there’s more hills and mountains to climb when you get to the top. I forget the exact quote but you understand me don’t you?

Do you remember that as your red and blue faded and you grew into the black blazer so did your confidence grow? That moment when you won medal after medal for all that knowledge your brain has held onto for so long. Finally! Oh my goodness finally! You’d found your niche, your mind was in its element. Your tongue silver and your voice carrying thoughts of those gone before you and your soul rejoicing in its self acceptance. You stood up to your full height and gave it your all. There was no rush this time, you didn’t run. You paced yourself – I know, nigh unbelievable – and there you decided it was what you wanted. But that was a matchstick’s flame. It burnt out, you didn’t burn your fingers holding on only because the winds of change blew the flame out long before you began to admire its light.

In your final year all you could feel was anticipation mixed in with anxiety and with a dash of reluctance. You didn’t think you’d miss it. I don’t think you realized the bonds you’d formed with others, the impressions you’d made on them and they you. Every time you look back it is with a nostalgic smile, nostalgia doesn’t really feel good. It’s like a mental hunger and yearning for something already gone. Like when you see a beautiful woman pass you by and know you’ll never see her again. You know it’s not love but a strong sense of ‘what if’. That’s what it was when you packed your bags and moved out of your dorm. When you said your farewells and it struck you just how terribly you’d miss the damned place. The cold showers, the torrid mornings and tepid tea. How you’d miss walking in a ragged group each of you thinking you were Adonis himself as you approached a group of girls. Hearts hammering and minds churning out cheesy one liners. Gosh! You were so foolish, still are.

I’m tempted to say those were the good old days. That’s not a phrase I’ll use now, instead I’ll ask you a question; do you see what good things happen when you don’t rush? Do you see how now you remember your recent past and tell tales 12 year old you would gape at? You’ve grown, it’s been a long time coming but you’ve done it.

You’re now a bit free and things have changed yet again. You still abhor mud, that’s never going to change. You smile more and laugh easily, of course there’s always the nagging feeling of self doubt. That never really goes away so make him your friend, sometimes he makes good points. There’s a girl, there almost always will be and she’s nice. That’s all I’ll say for now because you’ll meet her and it’ll probably be the only thing you’ll be able to say, see words don’t work very well for you anymore unless they’re on a page – don’t be too surprised, they’re overrated anyway. Now you prefer to be on a stage, expressing yourself under the guise of a character. You’ve always enjoyed make-believe and now you’re leaning how to act. You can also sing. Yep, there’s never a dull moment.

You’ve come so far, you’ve learnt so so much. I’m so so proud of you little man and I hope you’ll be proud of who we become, I’m trying to be..

Do you remember telling mom how you thought you’d never be done? When life seemed to be a dull montage of routine duties and activities? Well here comes unpredictability, enjoy. Make sure you listen to mom btw, she’s a gem and she knows everything you need. You’ll try to make your own way and ignore her reason but you’ll get back onto the path and realize she wants nothing but happiness for you. She’d do anything for you and does it every day, she and your minions are your whole life. It’ll take you a minute to understand just how much they mean to you but you will. You’ll love them and what’s more you’ll show them unabashedly. There’ll come a tiny boy who’ll want nothing but to be you and a baby girl who’ll want nothing but to be with you. They’re your brother and sister. They’re your treasure, keep them safe and make them happy. It doesn’t take a lot trust me plus there’s nothing that compares to it. Love them.

Remember not to rush, you still do sometimes. The syllables stick in your throat jostling for space. You can speak a fancy new language now and it’s brilliant, it’s done wonders for your sticky notes in class = oh yeah you write those for class now not girls, girls prefer something different, dates, good food and quality time I think. We don’t know for sure yet.😂😂

One last thing, let people in. Just a notch. Open your door maybe? You know, because there’s one or two knocking and they really just want to come in and chill. You don’t have to do it all alone you know, plus you can’t. Do you see just how much I’ve rushed the ending? I don’t want to get emotional so I’ll stop here but remember to let down your walls because they get tiring and you get lonely.

Oh!I almost forgot! Yes, you’re brilliant. No, you don’t need to prove it.

Kimondo.

Yup we sign off like that these days, cool right???😌😃

Don’t rush it.